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13 August, 2015

39 Lucha_Canaria_001 b

Each to his own… but whatever people say, the further south you go, the cuter the guys get. In Central Europe the taste is for Spaniards, Italians, Greeks… But what happens here? It’s the same principle! The local product is the most sought after. Apart from being cute, most Canarian guys seem to fit one of two types, each as appealing as the other:

  • A) The modern guy, toned and tattooed, with per-fect style, whether he’s straight, gay, or whatever he claims to be on the night. I’ll cover this final, important detail in another article.
  • B) The tough Canarian wrestler (our extremely horny regional sport), with shoulders from here to tomorrow and arms as thick as your thighs. See photo.

Whatever the category, they all share two common features. Firstly, the famous male Canarian butt, perfectly hardened and of uncertain origin (maybe it’s all those mini jacket potatoes and mojo sauce). And secondly, their arms of seduction. A man doesn’t conquer you by his physique alone: his voice, words, glance and gestures are all part of it. That’s why the allure of the Canary Islanders wreaks havoc among visitors. Let me explain.

The Canary Islands lie in a far corner of Europe, off the coast of Africa, although culturally speaking they’re closer to the Caribbean in terms of music, food, dialect, values and pace of life. If you know the Canary Islands and Venezuela, or even Cuba, you’ll sense that the Atlantic unites rather than divides. The exotic touch of the Canary Islanders is irresistible for many (including me). Add to this their laid-back philosophy of life, and you’ll see how easy it is to start up a conversation, shout someone a drink, and fall under his spell.

You just have to see what sweet talkers they are! The road to perdition starts with a “Qué pasó, mi niño?” (literally: “What’s up, my boy?”). If you haven’t fallen for his charms by the third mi niño, check your pulse: you could have something serious. Two rums later and you’ve gone from mi niño to mi amor (no need to translate that one!). Such a swift rise in status is more likely if you’re the one buying the rums, but that’s another story. After the drinks comes the walk-in-the-moonlight phase, whether it’s in Las Teresitas (Tenerife), Meloneras (Gran Canaria) or El Saladar (Fuerteventura). In my case it was the beach in Tarajalillo, near Maspalomas, but the setting’s irrelevant. With his accent as sweet as the local desert bienmesabe (literally: “it tastes good to me”), he’ll convince you that he really will take you to see the sights the next day (Teide / Roque Nublo / Tindaya, depending on the island) in his car, most likely a yellow one – a warning in itself. But there you are, wrapped in his arms as hard as volcanic rock, under the southern constellations, suspended in the sea breeze, ignoring the signs and completely forgetting my words. You don’t believe me? Another hour and you’ll be thinking about the two of you adopting a pair of Chinese girls and having them baptised with Canarian names like Guacimara and Kataisa at the church of the island’s patron saint…

SNAP OUT OF IT MARY! No, dude, that’s not how it works. At best, the evening walk will be your last chance to get lucky. So go ahead and score. A canary in the hand is worth two in the bush, especially when they’re so totally gorgeous. The Canary Islands are a land of passage, and that yellow car’s already made too many trips up the mountains. If you don’t score, you might get hung up on the final I’ll-call-you-some-time phase. That means he’s bored already, and there’s no way he’ll call you even though he swears he will. They certainly are gorgeous, charming, passionate and romantic, but they’re also a little fickle and non-committal.

To sum up: enjoy every chance that comes along during your time in the Canary Islands, as it happens, and it’ll be the time of your life. Don’t hesitate and don’t expect any more or any less. But for heaven’s sake, don’t fall in love with a Canary Islander on your next holiday: these guys are truly captivating, and dramas at the airport are common. You think they’re irresistible? They sure are. Tell me something I don’t know.

*Original photo: “Lucha Canaria 001”, by Lexthoonen – Original work. Available under CC BY-SA 3.0 licence on Wikimedia Commons.
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